TheKittyMan

Poetry: My Slow Suicide

by TheKittyMan on Feb.06, 2010, under Poetry

I figured I’d been working on the sites quite a lot recently, so I’m going to post some poetry I wrote on 11/15/09 in order to keep making posts and relieve some stress I guess. Not sure why depressing poetry relieves stress for me, but whatever.

This was an interesting one. I was going through a slight emotional breakdown and I had, for the first time in my life, smoked a pack of cigarettes in one day. I bought the pack at 3am and before 3am the next day, it was gone. It was a crazy “Wtf?” moment. I had already thought that smoking was a way to kill yourself without actually having the ability to go through with it, so I had to go with it when I started to write this flow down. Again, my stuff tends to be pretty depressing, but it’s when I’m down that I’m most inspired to write things like poems. Well, enjoy.

I don’t eat
I don’t sleep
Almost a pack every day
if only to numb the pain
that won’t go away
I cared
I loved
I tried every way
if only to have you around
one more day
You rejected
You scorned
Despite how I tried
it always leads me
to my slow suicide
with a pack every day
to numb this pain I feel
I kill myself slowly
with this self hate
I stood by your side
whether we laughed or cried
and still I stay and wait
I don’t know what to do
I should walk away
but no matter what I try
I still stay
I’ve always been truthful
never have I lied
and you still walk away
leaving me with this slow suicide
with almost a pack every day
the loneliness burns me
knowing you don’t even care
that somebody like me
can be worried for you
despite all the pain and despair
It makes me hate you
but I hate myself more
knowing I can’t walk out
and I stand by your side
without a chance for myself
and as you walk away
I turn to my slow suicide
with almost a pack every day
I sit alone to think
wondering why I’m still here
and as I see that hate build
it makes my heart sink
the feelings I had for you
thrown to the floor
worthless for somebody with it all
it takes almost no time before I fall
back into my slow suicide
with almost a pack every day
I wish that I could say
I hate you
but I love you more
I love you
but I hate myself more

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